Each family and teacher disciplines differently and develops their own plan for managing negative behavior. Some like to use rewards to motivate positive behaviors while others may like to use consequences to discourage negative behaviors. Because I recognize that kids are different and families have different experiences, I work to help parents and teachers find the best option that works for them.
But the one thing that has to be the same for each person—no matter what the plan is—is consistency.
Every parent and teacher understands this. They get that providing a punishment for behavior one time but not the other three times results in confusion over whether the behavior is acceptable or discouraged. The problem is being able to implement the chosen discipline plan consistently, every time, without fail.
Why is it so hard?
Well, because life doesn’t stop when a child is having a behavior. The groceries still need to be purchased even though the child is throwing a tantrum in the middle of the aisle. The parent still needs to get to work even though the child is refusing to eat breakfast. Life goes on and unfortunately, when behaviors like this occur as life is still going on, parents feel powerless to stop the behavior.
Parents say things like,
“But she hates going to the grocery store, so if we leave the grocery store because of her behavior, am I just rewarding her negative behavior?”
Or
“I’ve been cooped up in the house all day and I just want to be at the park. It seems like I’m just punishing myself if I say we have to go back inside when he acts out.”
These parents have identified their discipline technique, but in the heat of the moment, they really don’t want to implement it because it doesn’t make their life easier at that very moment. Leaving the grocery store when the parent really needs to get groceries seems more like a punishment for the parent than it does to the child. Going back home from the park and dealing with a child who is really upset about having to leave the park often times provides more punishment for the parent than for the misbehaving child.
But the hardest part of this process is the beginning part, during those first few hours, days or weeks (depending on how severe the behaviors are and what type of kid you’re dealing with).
With consistency, for most kids, it gets easier. With inconsistency, the difficult part continues on and on, both because the child has learned that the parent can’t be trusted to follow through—and therefore shouldn’t be listened to—and the child has not learned the many lessons that are attempted to be taught throughout this process.
And ultimately, this is the goal of providing discipline in the first place. Parents don’t just provide consequences or punishments because they don’t like the child’s behavior; they do it—or should be doing it—because they are trying to teach the child what the right kind of behavior is for this scenario and to encourage more behaviors like that in the future.
Take this example that I witnessed just this weekend:
A 4-year-old says to her mom, “I want to ride on this swing.” Mom acknowledges the child’s request and says, “I know you’d like to ride on the swing, but it’s too wet and we don’t have anything to wipe it down with. Let’s find something that’s dry to play on instead.”
The child, disappointed with her mom’s response, falls limp to the ground. She obviously cannot stand or walk anymore because this devastating news has left her paralyzed. But soon, she gains use of her limbs again and begins to use them to kick, stomp and punch while she screams. Her mom quickly informs her that her behavior is unacceptable. She gives her a choice: “If you continue to throw a tantrum, we’ll leave the park.”
She gives her daughter a few moments to make her choice, but the child continues to throw her tantrum. So—even though I can tell that mom desperately wants to stay at the park and enjoy some time outside—she announces that it’s time to leave the park since the tantrum is continuing.
I can see the shock in the child’s eyes. She negotiates and promises to be good. She asks for another chance and her mom politely informs her that the time to make a change to her behavior has already passed. The child continues her tantrum as her mom loads her into the car and drives away.
After a few scenarios like this, it is highly likely that this little girl will learn that when mom discusses consequences, she will follow through with them.
For most kids (minus those who are naturally negative or oppositional) this consistency is enough to teach the child to follow the rules or the expectations of those in authority. This opens the door for the child to have more opportunities to learn the lessons that are taught in these situations, for example that it is appropriate to use words to discuss frustration versus kicking, screaming and throwing a tantrum in an attempt to get what one wants.
Consistency—no matter what the consequences are for the adults—is key to teaching appropriate behavior. Over time, consistency in all disciplining situations will make life a little bit easier, because the adult has provided the child with a basis for understanding how to act in these situations.
Getting to that point tests your patience, your will and your sanity. But it is so worth it when you finally arrive!
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