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The Worst (Well-Intentioned) Rule

April 6, 2015 by Emily Learing Leave a Comment

 

Lately, I’ve been hearing or reading a lot about that classic daycare and preschool rule “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” Adults argue that by telling kids this sing-song phrase, we are teaching them that life isn’t fair and people can’t always have the things that they want. And as an added benefit, adults are able to run a classroom or household without constant complaints from kids. While this rule has a well-intentioned meaning to teach children how the world works, I have a lot of trouble subscribing to this mentality. I fear that it ultimately falls short of teaching kids the real life lesson that it’s attempting to teach.

You Get What You Get…

Is this part of the rule true, that we only get what other people decide we deserve in life? Does a human being have a choice over what foods she eats, what activities she participates in and what clothes to wear? Ultimately, the answer is NO. This isn’t true and this isn’t a good mentality to subscribe to. Why? Because teaching children that they have no choice in what happens in their lives teaches them that their actions have no bearing on what will happen in their life. If we keep teaching children that “you get what you get,” how exactly do we expect to teach them how to become hard workers who make things happen in their life?

And You Don’t Throw a Fit!

This part of the rule is the part that makes more sense to me. Obviously, we want kids to learn how to accept the things that are out of control in their life, and to learn how to appropriately respond to these things. It isn’t appropriate for a kid—and especially not for an adult—to “throw a fit” any time something doesn’t go his way.

If you must use this rule—because it’s helpful to minimize complaints in a household or classroom—try to focus on the second part of the rule. Children do need to learn that some things will happen in their life that they won’t have control over, and that throwing a temper tantrum will not change things. Use this rule to help to teach them how to not “throw a fit,” even when things don’t go the way they’d like them to.

Even if you do use this rule because of the benefits to behaviors in the classroom, don’t use it as a way to stifle children’s ability to state their needs. Stating this rule in a sing-song way may help to decrease some whining, but it isn’t necessary to use it any time a child tries to use her age-appropriate skills to express her needs. When she does this, ditch the rule and talk about how well she expressed her needs and what you can do to help her (even if you can’t meet any or all of her wants). You definitely want her to grow up to be able to appropriately state her needs, as well as to know how to handle disappointment without tantrums when her needs can’t be met.

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