5 Things to Say to Children

 When parents and child care providers talk with me about establishing rules for their households and classrooms, I ask them to always identify what it is they want the kids to do, not what they want them not to do. Use Nice Touches versus Don't Hit or Use Inside Voices versus No Yelling. As I reviewed some of my last blog posts, I noticed that I might be contradicting my own rules! Instead of establishing rules for adults regarding what they should do, I may have been focusing a lot on what not to do. So, in honor of my rules regarding rules, I decided to write this week's blog post from the perspective of what to do, instead of what not to do.Below is a list of 5 things adults should say to a child at least once, although I prefer many times, each day.#5 I love the way you…Research indicates that when adults praise children for their efforts and the specific things that they do well, children are more likely to strive to achieve in their future compared to kids who are praised for no reason or even for their intellectual abilities. So, if you want your kid to do well in school later, let him know exactly what he did that you liked so much instead of resorting to that generic “Good job!” If he’s smart and it is his intellectual abilities that you’re proud of, still focus on the effort it takes to be so smart, just to be safe!

#4 Maybe you’ll get it next time

As #5 suggests, kids—especially young kids—live and die from the praise and attention that they get from parents and adults. They want to take every opportunity to show you how wonderful they are and to hear you sing their praises. So, when they mess up, they experience much the same disappointment that you do. When they’ve disappointed you, many kids think that this is the end; that you’ve given up hope on them. They need to hear from you that you may have been disappointed with their behavior, but that your love from them doesn’t stop after one disappointment and your faith in their abilities doesn’t go away either!

#3 What do you think?

Young children are incredibly skilled at asking questions and seeking adult input about their daily lives. Mom, why is the grass green? Why do bunnies eat our flowers? Why do we have to go to bed if the sun is still awake? All of these are valuable questions from inquisitive children who just want to learn how the world works. But, have you ever noticed that kids often ask questions that they already know the answer to? Sometimes, kids get so used to asking adults questions that they forget to think for themselves and identify the answer that they already know. Instead of responding instantly to a child’s question, try responding with “What do you think?” and see what the child has to say. It’s likely that he already has an answer to the question, and it might be an even better answer than you had!

#2 I’m Sorry

These two words might possibly be the most difficult words for human beings to say. For some reason, there’s something about us that makes it hard to admit that we could possibly be wrong about something. However, no matter how hard it is to admit that we’re wrong, every human being has made a mistake worthy of apologizing for (even you!) We teach children that they are supposed to apologize when they’ve done something wrong. Yes, we’re great at that! But, we aren’t very great at apologizing to kids when we’ve made a mistake.If you’ve yelled at a three-year-old for asking the right question at the wrong time, then you should apologize. If you misunderstood what your child did and provided a premature consequence, then you should apologize. Forget about that whole “I’m the adult and you’re the kid, so I’m always right” thing. Because, if you made a mistake, you weren’t right and that’s ok. Take the opportunity to model for your child how a mature adult takes responsibility for mistakes and shows respect through apology.

#1 I Love You!

At the end of the day, no matter what has happened, make sure that kids know of your unconditional love for them. If you’ve spent the day yelling and crying because of their behavior, they need to hear that while their behavior hurt you, you will always love them unconditionally (and you'll try to figure out how to stop yelling so much!) This isn’t an excuse to ignore or avoid handling misbehavior, but it’s a necessity to remind kids that they are special and loved for exactly who they are.